I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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