My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
