Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
