She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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