That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
