We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
