Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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