i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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