2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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