After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
