Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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