doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
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