when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
