is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
