Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my being single is dangerous.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
