I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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