They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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