i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
