do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
