my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
