There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize