He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
