No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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