My friends, they love my intelligence
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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