You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
