I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
