i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
