there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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