I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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