we have pet lesbian snakes
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
