anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
