Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
