Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
