I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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