over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
