a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
