I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I am naked and annoyed.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
