Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My ATM looks so different sober.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize