I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
