Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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