He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
