I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You made out with two different species that night
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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