today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
