Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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