Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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