I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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