You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
