Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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