i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
