If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
