If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Enjoy the penises
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
