would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
