just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just threw up on my dentist
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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