Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
