you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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