guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
where am i from again
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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