The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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