I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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