i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
