he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
well, you know. whores of a feather.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
