just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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