Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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