I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
