My liver just broke up with me...
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
