why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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