you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
