My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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