You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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