thus making me awesome and them whores
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
