I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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