Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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